Deconstruction Diary

Deconstruction.

It’s a popular word, movement, etc. these days in the religious world.

For some, it means “taking apart my faith and putting it back together.”

For some it means “creating a virtual C4 bomb and blowing it up.”

Some people come out with a greater understanding of the faith they have.

Some people end by rejecting their faith.

I’ve been pondering this move for some time. Now I think I’m ripe for a deconstruction of my own faith. I plan to document my “deconstruction” and hopefully my “reconstruction”. I’ll talk about my past experiences in American Christianity, my current thoughts, and things I learn along the way. Everything I write is from my point of view and is my opinion.

I’m an American female, born in Kentucky, raised in Florida, now living in the Atlanta area, Georgia. I was raised Baptist. I’ve always believed in God and in Jesus as God’s son. When I was around eight, I “walked the aisle” with my family and, “asked Jesus into my heart”.

I grew up going to Sunday School, church, Pioneer Girls (a Christian version of Girl Scouts), sang in the choir, and did other things with Sunday School. My Pioneer Girls leader in the 4th grade challenged me to read a verse a night of the Bible before going to bed. I thought, “I can do better than that,” and started reading a chapter a night.

So I went along until college, when I encountered a sect of the Church of Christ and my world turned upside down.

That particular sect believed that if you didn’t hear the Word, believe it, repent of your sins, confess Jesus as Lord, and were baptized specifically for the forgiveness of sins, you were not a Christian and you were going to hell.

I’d grown up hearing the Word. I’d believed it. I’d asked Jesus to forgive me of all my sins. I tried to live how Jesus wanted me to. I believed he was the Lord. And I’d been baptized by immersion at eight, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

But baptized by immersion for the forgiveness of my sins? No.

So I took the plunge (pun intended) and was baptized at the University Church of Christ in Tallahassee, Florida, on November 11, 1981.

For the next five years, I grew in my faith and knowledge . . . and also in my uncertainty and frustration. Because while we were encouraged to read and study the Bible, attend church, form friendships with other Christians, and share our faith, that encouragement translated into:

• Have a “quiet time” daily (a period of prayer and Bible study)

• Attend all church events, including baby showers, bridal showers, and weddings, even if you didn’t know the people

• Have your closest friends be Christians

• Live with Christians if at all possible

• Have a “prayer partner” with whom you share your life, including your sins, your quiet times, and how many people you invited to church

• Invite anyone and everyone to as many church events as you could; the more, the better.

I graduated with my masters’ degree in December, 1986, and my biggest feeling was relief that I would never, ever have to invite anyone to a Bible study ever again.

I moved to Miami in March, 1987, because I’d heard there was a church that was part of the sect I’d been baptized in that taught grace. I was desperate for it. And for two years, I got it.

In 1989, that church split. Many of us followed the two ministers into independent house churches where we as Christians could fellowship and learn from one another.

And in 1993, right before I was planning to get married, I told my now-husband, “This isn’t working. We need to get out.” Because while the basic principle of a house church is sound - that it is an excellent way for Christians to meet, learn, and fellowship (and the early church did meet in homes and Christians around the world meet in homes), it did not work for me. I think the reason we did the house churches was as a reaction to the sect we had left, and I don’t think we had the maturity to learn from others and to teach others.

My husband and I moved to Atlanta in 1994. We’re part of a Church of Christ that is considered “progressive”. In some people’s eyes, “progressive” means that you have a praise team singing on stage, you use instruments in worship, and you have women in public leadership. The church has evolved in the 31 years we’ve lived here.

The rug got pulled out from under me beginning in 2016, when both the GOP and certain Christian leaders supported Donald Trump for President - the same Christian leaders who excoriated Bill Clinton for the same behaviors Donald Trump was openly guilty of.

I couldn’t follow them.

In the same year, our church added an instrumental worship service. We had one service that sang a capella (without instruments, as is traditional in many Churches of Christ) and another with instruments. While many people applauded that direction, some left because they couldn’t in good conscience support instruments in worship. One congregation in the area disfellowshipped us.

In October 2019, our elders - after a long period of study, and after members of our congregation studied - voted to allow women in public leadership, with the exception of the eldership. As with instrumental music, there were many who welcomed this decision, and many who did not.

In 2020, COVID hit.

We moved to online church in March, came back together in November . . . and there were people who just did not come back, for whatever reasons.

The riots reacting to George Floyd’s murder happened at the end of May, 2020. I watched live coverage on television of the Atlanta riot starting. Members of our congregation did participate - peacefully - in some of the protests around town.

In November, 2020, Biden won the Presidency.

And on January 6, 2021, the Capitol riots happened.

All of the above, and the reactions of Christians I knew and loved, helped pull the rug out, and I don’t feel like my foundation is very secure anymore.

I also deal with depression, anxiety, and OCD; have dealt with them since my teens, and that does not help at times.

So, here I am, beginning 2026 with a second Substack and the intention of documenting my journey as a deconstructor.

I’m not sure what it is I will find at the end of it.

Would you like to join me?

If yes, please subscribe!

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